He had been a horrible man his entire life and has been sent to HELL.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it
worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is
suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Chicagoan is happily
swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, “I don’t understand this. I’ve turned
the heat way up, it’s humid, you’re crushing rocks; why are you so
happy?”

The Chicagoan, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, “This is
great! It reminds me of August in Chicago . Hot, humid, a good place to
work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!”

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Chicagoan’s
remarks.  Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and
torrential wind.

Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust
blowing into his eyes, the Chicagoan is happily slogging through the mud
pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Chicagoan
replies, “This is great! Just like April in Chicago . It reminds me of
working out in the yard with spring planting!”

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the
Chicagoan suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is
blanketed in snow and ice.

Confident that this will surely make the Chicagoan unhappy, the devil checks
in on the Chicagoan. He is again aghast at what he sees.

The Chicagoan
is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he
cavorts in glee.

“How can you be so happy?  Don’t you know its 40 below zero!?” screams the
devil.

Jumping up and down the Chicagoan throws a snowball at the devil and yells, Hell’s frozen over!! This means the Cubs won the world series!!

The Surgeon General and various medical agencies around the world have been seriously considering adopting a new universal logo for the Heimlich Maneuver:

These two were closely considered but they have decided on one that represents a more universal sign for choking:

We have spotted Bartman!!!!!!!!

So I heard today that Disney is now interested in buying the cubs when they come for sale at the end of this year. This makes sense as they have plenty of money to do this plus they have a vested interest in sports (ESPN).

Supposedly they are really just looking for the next Mickey Mouse operation and the Cubs franchise is a perfect fit.

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Chicago Cubs jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing St. Louis Cardinals jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Cubs fan from the water.

Then using (autographed by Albert Pujols himself) baseball bats, the three heroes in Cardinal Red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

“I give you my blessing for your brave actions,” he told them.  “I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Cardinal and Cub fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.”

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies “Who was that?” “It was the Pope,” one replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom.”

“Well,” the harpooner said, “he may have access to God’s wisdom.. But he don’t know shit about shark fishing”.

How”s the bait holding up?”